Norway, June 25th, 2008
It has been a while since I last wrote and after being bugged by many for being slack, I thought I should get to it! I found myself avoiding writing because I seem to report when believe I have things all figured out and they fit into a nice, neat, comprehensible package. If it is not like this, what is the point in writing??? That is my flawed logic. For that reason, I avoided BLOGGING because things are in no way neat and tidy and far from understandable!!!
As we continue to compete, things have definitely NOT turned out how we planned. The only thing I know for sure right now is, they have turned out the way they have! Our game kept building and building after the slow down we experienced in Asia due to injury. Within that subtle progression, there have also been moments of major clarity that spurred quantum leaps and bounds. The crazy and frustrating part is…neither one of these momentum bursts has led to results! As we failed to qualify time after time, the BIG life questions emerged: "How did I creating all this?", "Does creation have anything to do with life at all?", "Why is this happening to me?", "Why can't I catch a break?" and so on…
One big question that our mental trainer asked us was: "What would you be willing to do, that having done it, you would have achieved your goal already?" This led me to ask myself: what have I been unwilling to do and would I be willing to do it now? Some things, I acknowledged to myself that I would not do. I would not sell my soul to win a match or go to the Olympics yet I saw that I had been unwilling to be vulnerable and that I was willing to try! These present moments have brought me to a place that I have been too comfortable in the past to go! It is terrible and brilliant all rolled into one!!!
Being on the brink of realizing your goal and then coming up short has also forced me to face that I am NOT what I do! This notion gets awfully tangled on a daily basis for me (especially in the life of an athlete who is constantly being measured by their win/loss ratio) but when the results are not there to feed off of, the only place left to go (short of depression and constant suffering) is who I AM BEING in these moments. As an example, since our chances of qualifying for Beijing have been dwindling, we have had to face what it means to get back out there on court and practice and compete. Why do I play this game? Wasn't it always to compete at the Olympics? If that is not possible, then why am I out here anyway??? Then rushes forth that X-factor element that is bigger than results and somehow manages to inspire when everything points to the contrary! HONOUR, PRIDE, INTEGRITY and other elements of my insides that I never knew could actually be as worthy as being successful, stormed to the forefront and took their stand! As a small comparison here, I remember watching a swimmer from an African nation when I was a young girl compete in a swimming discipline at the Olympic Games. He was in such last place that the cameras almost stopped filming. When the media realized that there was something much more magical going on than a "who won Gold moment", the cameras focussed in and I still have that man's smile imprinted on my soul as he touched the wall exhausted with his effort and achievement. There was a pure joy in him that I had not witnessed in the athletes with the hardware around their necks! "Why was he happy? He didn't win!", I thought. Though my mind and logic could not figure it out at the time, something deep within was resonating with the pure joy of being his best at that moment! That brings me back to my present experience: I am finding joy (and frustration at times) out there on court and I am opening myself up to being vulnerable more and more. I have found my integrity and honour in a place that appeared dark and cold. It lay beyond my desire to "look good" and be approved of. It is not a neat package, a fully ripe fruit or anything that is clean and easy to compartmentalize, it is in flux, constantly shifting and changing and showing itself clear and brilliant in some moments and then hiding itself just as quickly. I am officially deeming this, a vulnerable BLOG filled with "I don't knows" and questions. This is a peak into the life of an athlete doing her best to be her best yet all the while falling flat on her face but somehow mustering the courage to wipe off the sand and attempt another sideout!
Team MtotheMax
(as you can see, Sarah is the English writer on this team! Sorry Marie fans!)
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